Tax Jokes and Humorous IRS Quotes
No one likes paying taxes. Here is a light hearted look at the IRS and tax collection.
A man about to have a heart transplant was offered the choice of either a 26 year-old marathon runners heart or the heart of a 62 year-old IRS agent. He picked the agentís heart because he said it had never been used.
There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.
A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
It's tax time. I know this because I'm staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink.
-- Dave Barry
The number of words dealing with income taxes in the Internal Revenue Code and IRS regulations rose nearly tenfold between 1955 and 2005, from 718,000 to more than 7 million How is a mugger different from the Internal Revenue Service? Both take your money, but the mugger doesn't make you fill out forms.
--Jacob Sullum in Reason
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
-- Robert Orben
"To tax and to please, no more than to love and to be wise, is not given to men."
-- Edmund Burke, 18th Century Irish political philosopher and British statesman
People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes: men and women.
-- Unknown
Taxation with representation ain't so hot either.
-- Gerald Barzan, humorist
Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq.
--Conan O'Brien
The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it's a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy.
The term "tax humor" is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code.
-- John F. Iekel
Taxes are not good things, but if you want services, somebody's got to pay for them so they're a necessary evil.
-- Michael Bloomberg
"You must pay taxes. But there's no law that says you gotta leave a tip."
-- Advertisement
"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
-- D. Barry
If a person is an economic being and figures out the odds, then there is a very high incentive to cheat. That is, of course, putting aside honor, duty and patriotism.
-- Jerome Kurtz, former Commissioner, Internal Revenue Service
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."
-- Comedian
Called in for an audit, Mr. Briggs was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It says here, Mr. Briggs, that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake." Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Briggs replied, "Yup, it surely was."
A fool and his money are soon parted. It takes creative tax laws for the rest.
-- C Bob Thaves
The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts.
-- Dave Barry
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
-- Jay Leno
If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don't teach him to subtract - teach him to deduct.
-- Fran Lebowitz
Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids.
-- Harvey Mackay
In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-- Voltaire (1764)
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
-- J. Danforth Quayle V.P. 1989-1993.
The more you earn, the less you keep,
And now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to take,
If the tax collector hasn't got it before I wake.
-- Ogden Nash
This guy walks into the tax auditor's office, the auditor looks at him and says, "Please Mr. Johnson, take a seat. We already own a piece of yours."
The invention of the teenager was a mistake. Once you identify a period of life in which people get to stay out late but don't have to pay taxes naturally, no one wants to live any other way.
-- Judith Martin (writing as "Miss Manners")
Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.
-- Dave Barry, Column, April 6, 2003
Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.
-- Andy Rooney
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
-- James Bovard
On the movie set, the special effects guy is explaining a prop gun to the famous blond actress. The prop guy says, "For the last time, if you point this gun and shoot it, no one will get hurt. It's filled with blanks. When have you ever heard of anyone getting killed by a blank?" The actress replied, "My husband, last year, when he filled out our tax forms."
You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.
-- Chris Rock, Bigger and Blacker [protesting IRS claiming big sums of unpaid back tax]
If we don't do something to simplify the tax system, we're going to end up with a national police force of internal revenue agents.
-- Leon Panetta
Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.
-- Art Buchwald
I have always paid income tax. I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age - which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday.
-- Noel Coward
I can give you 1040 good reasons why I hate the government.
-- Terri Guillemets
What's the difference between an optimist, a pessimist, and an accountant?
To the optimist, the glass of water is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass of water is half empty.
To the accountant, the glass of water is twice as big as it needs to be.
When there's a single thief, it's robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it's taxation.
--Vanya Cohen
If a person is an economic being and figures out the odds, then there is a very high incentive to cheat. That is, of course, putting aside honor, duty and patriotism.
-- Jerome Kurtz, former Commissioner, Internal Revenue Service
America's corporate and political elites now form a regime of their own and they're privatizing democracy. All the benefits - the tax cuts, policies and rewards flow in one direction: up.
-- Bill Moyers
The Internal Revenue Code is about 10 times the size of the Bible - and unlike the Bible, contains no good news.
-- Don Rickles
Q. Are we EVER going to have a federal tax system that regular people can understand?
A. Our top political leaders have all voiced strong support for this idea.
Q. So you're saying it will never happen?
A. Right.
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
-- Dave Barry
Avoid strong drink. It can cause you to shoot at tax collectors...and miss!
-- Robert A. Heinlein
And to you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a "pain in the neck," the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life.
-- Dave Barry
There may be liberty and justice for all, but there are tax breaks only for some.
-- Martin A. Sullivan
The United States has a system of taxation by confession.
-- Hugo Black
"What this country needs is a really good five-cent cigar."
-- Thomas Riley Marshall (VP of the USA 1913-1921)
"There are plenty of good five cent cigars in this country. The problem is they cost a quarter. What this country needs is a good five cent nickel."
-- W.C. Fields response to above quote
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